Passion in What You Say

I love to sit in at seminars, listen to people talk, preach about things they are passionate about. Their eyes gleam and it’s an amazing feeling truthfully. If you have ever seen Ted Talks on youTube, you would definitely know what I am talking about. For the past few months starting the Masters program, I was given an opportunity that I took without a hesitation. I was given opportunities to attend a lot of short talks where I could listen to people who spent months, years researching and sharing with us what they found out or their experiences they had encountered along the way. Even sitting with classmates who have years of experience, it is something that is indescribable when they tell the struggles and joys they went through.

You see it in their eyes… the passion of “this is what I have done and I have made it so far.” I want to have that same desire as they do with my work but sadly I am not there yet. I came to the course not knowing what I wanted in my life and which direction I should be heading. Months of people saying, you should know what you want and work towards that mission with goals set up that you want to achieve and try and do them. Setting a goal on what the market needs may not make one happy but setting on something that makes you happy, realistically it may not even pay for bills. I sometimes wonder if I will get there to the same level these people are experiencing rather than stick to a job because it pays for the bills.

Lately I have been receiving tweets about Pat Law giving a lecture to a group of students where the students wrote blog entries about the event. As I have been a follower of her written work that she posts on her blog Blankanvas and previously elsewhere, I believe her presentation would have been an experience. Definitely something I wish I had gotten the chance to sit in. But needless to say, to be where she is today she gave a lot of her blood, sweat and time which is admirable. So have you found your passion in life?

Lost In Myself

My cousin J got married to his sweetheart A on Friday (16th Oct) and they held a wedding dinner. I never really fancied weddings that involved relatives. You get the usual questioning of “When will it be your turn?” And I also got the, “Why have you not been coming out?”. I smiled and ignored as much as I could.

The school projects and study has been crazy, the work at work has been incompleted. Dates of friend’s birthdays have been forgotten and promises made a few months before had been dragged even longer. Books that I said I would read have been sitting on the shelf collecting dust.

People at work that are like big sisters and brothers giving me their perspective of my life. Sometimes I wonder if I am stuck in this job because I feel comfortable here and I know how to get things done. People tell me to hang till the end of the year before I make any changes. Lately a lot of changes are happening and I can see that more responsibility is being put on me to help with the transitioning but I think of what Q said of how she loves what she does but it’s the environment that is killing and demoralising everyone’s spirit. I don’t feel the same passion as she does with my work.

Maybe I should really fill out the forms and send them all out… What have I to lose anymore?

Zebras or Donkeys?

Last week I had the opportunity at NTU to listen to a famous motivational speaker / psychologist, Dr Mel Gill. Sitting in one of his talks for the very first time and having him share his wisdom on “Unleashing Your Potential as a Learner”. His witty humourous comments and how he shared his perspective on how limitations and frames could cause one not to aspire to their full potential. 

After listening to his talk, I bought myself a copy of his book, “Uncommon Sense” that I have yet to read through. I was hoping that this book will be one of those guides that will answer my questions of turning my life for the better and in understanding things about myself. I do find myself distress and lost in what I want to do with my life while others walk the path of knowing where they see themselves.

Truth be told I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. To be told what I should do with my life and make certain choices because it will contribute to happiness, has made me question more in why it is so important at the end of the day. It is like painting stripes on a donkey to convince people it’s a zebra. At the end of the day you may fool others but not to oneself.

Honey Bee

I bought Zee Avi’s album and I was listening to the track named “Honey Bee”. I love the way she sings. The track triggered several things in my life.

Why had I chosen to stay? Why had I not taken the initiative? 

I was starting to doubt myself again. Why can’t I be more like the honey bee? I had been contemplating the past week of quitting my current job and looking for a part-time job while I study part-time. I have conformed to all that my parents asked of me but lately… I was at a loss of words in what I was doing with my life as my feelings spiraled. I asked myself: what was it I wanted at the end of the day? I still feel like I am not achieving what I want with my life.

I am stuck where I am and I continue to be stuck because I let myself to be here. I know very well that I need to work from the bottom up and I knew that the reason why I took this job was mostly because I knew the current information system needed a revamp so I worked on it after learning about the domain.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just dropped everything and be like the honey bee… Would I be as courageous? But then again I need to find my other honey bee first. I will leave you with the song and lyrics posted by bitterheartbee on youtube.

Conforming

There was a time when someone once asked me why I blog for the world to see. And I don’t blog for people to read or to make money rather I blog for me to pen my thoughts down for me to unwind my thoughts. Whoever surfed the net and came across my page, well maybe I had a perspective of a topic discussed that was not conformed to what the majority believes in and sparked questions of alternate perspectives.

But I removed my site addresses in my social networks for a time so that people would not misinterpret my intentions that I bitch about life with no supportive evidence and sometimes people will make remarks to say, there are people out there that is worse off than me so I should bite it and just take it.

But I have chosen to always to conform to Society so that I wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb. Avoid in creating controversy and to lay low to avoid disapproving tutting from the people that I may walk past. I didn’t want to deal with whatever problems that came with revealing something that seemed out of place. Perhaps Skybambi was right that it’s a sign of respect, “respectful of the socity” which we are living in by laying low.

But not everyone tries to conform. Some still want to make a statement in life.

Looking Beyond the Horizon

Being able to have the opportunity that I am at the moment, discovering the campus itself was amazing. The cold cement slabbed walls of the School of Electrical Engineering makes it have an industrial feel and getting lost along the way to the canteen.

Class today was not what I had expected. The expectation that the lecturer had was overwhelming. As the day ended only 25 people were left. I couldn’t help but wonder if I should change too. I am feeling very insecure at the choices I had made.

The Screaming… The Crying…

The house was chaotic. The screaming, the crying, the denial… Wish I wasn’t here right now. Wish I packed my bags and left somewhere far away. I don’t want to be here to hear all the bullshit that is going down… Don’t involve me in how you run things. I don’t want the responsibility.

Sandra Bullock on Craig Ferguson

Just for laughs.

Doing Too Many Things At Once

I’ve always had this problem of trying to do many things at once and then I feel so demoralised because I can’t achieve completely any of the tasks. Which explains why I give up half way of attempting tasks.

The solution however to this problem is to do some proper planning. But even though I know the solution, most of the time I have a hard time focusing myself to achieve tasks on hand. To list them into priorities and act upon it. Perhaps I don’t feel motivated to complete it or it’s simply because I am just plain lazy that it is always a half completed idea that never gets followed through.

Sometimes I can’t help but feel like my happiness is based on things I have completed. Is that why I feel so out of it?

I Closed My Eyes…

And I wished that night didn’t end…

Listening to Aviation’s You Were My Everything didn’t help my mood.

I haven’t been able to concentrate with work. Pretty stressed last night that I ended up jogging for 3 hours which I totally regret now because I was sore the whole day today.

Been thinking a lot of choices I have yet to make and made. Same old questions have been going through my mind. For a moment closing everything off from me, just seemed surreal enough to think I could put everything on hold. What am I trying to delay? I don’t even know.