I Am Waiting

I am waiting for the day to play this song to you…

“You looked right through me
When there was no one else
I sat beside you and became myself.”

- Jason Radin in “Today”

Deja Vu

What am I doing? It’s like I have never forgotten… I don’t know what’s going on anymore. My mind is spinning…

Protected: I Remember Where I Came From

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Confused…

I told myself after Year 12 in 2001 that Software Engineering is what I wanted. I took it for 3 years and after 3 grueling years, I found myself losing the passion for the subject. Was this what I wanted? Would anyone hire someone who got 60% as grades for programming projects? I told myself this wasn’t what I wanted and so I packed my bags and said I would know what I wanted to do when the time came.

I told myself that by coming back to Singapore and studying and working part time, I would know what I wanted. In a way, it made me experience the IT telecommunication industry and allowed me to  have a feel of the environment of vendors. Yet as I pondered 2 years in that job, I still didn’t know what I wanted to do.

I told myself that by the time I graduate with my Bachelors degree I would know what I wanted to do with my life. Yet after graduation, all I knew was I didn’t want to be working as a help desk support.

I told myself that after one year of my first job after getting my degree and taking short courses along the way, I would know what I would want to do with my life… yet… I still didn’t know what I wanted. People told me my calling would come but as each day past by I became more impatient.

If you asked me what is my passion?, I wouldn’t know how to answer that question anymore. If you asked me what gets me going in the morning? It’s kind of sad because I have no specific explanation anymore. I feel like a robot. I wake up because it’s day light and I go to work. I note down all the things I aim to achieve and try to get it all done before the timing that work is supposedly suppose to end for the day. Do I enjoy my work? I just do it so that time will keep on ticking. Does it bore me? Most days yes… but other days I am too numb to have feelings for the situation.

I told a friend of mine last night about my dilemma of whether to go for the specialist diploma that I got offered or to wait and apply for the Masters at a local university. I really wanted to get into the Masters program yet I admitted that my chances looked very slim.  She commented as a third person’s point of view that it seemed like I was trying to buy more time. I didn’t quite understand what she meant… What time am I buying and why am I trying to buy more time? What is it I want with my life? And I came back to this same question that I thought I knew the answer to since 2001.

But the reality of the situation is, I am still lost and looking for my purpose…

All I Got…

I have to believe that this is the right choice.
I have to believe that this pain is worth it at the end of the day.
I have to believe all the tears that I cry myself to sleep is the way to let you let me go.
I have to believe that what I decide to tell you now are the right words for us to be friends.

Protected: Thank You … For The Closure

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Protected: Would It Have Made A Difference?

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Taking a Walk Down Memory Lane

I was surfing my old blog at Xanga and the layout has changed a lot since I moved for about over a year ago. Looks like there are many features and it’s impressive. Besides reading the things that I was thinking back then and my life at my part time job and studies, I have to admit that was what kept me busy. Me being the brick in the wall just watching people walk past me and the weather changing. Have to say my music tastes didn’t change and listening to songs that I once played on repeat just brought me back to my comfort zone.

But I guess that wasn’t the thing that scared me or thrown me off the path that I was convinced I was walking on. Lately all the thinking has made me really moody and things just seem “it’s not ok”. I know the old me would have just shut it down, run away and wish it never happened. Probably the best solution but I don’t feel like doing that and then a few more years down the track have all this on my shoulders and I start off again where I am now. I’m tired… and facing the facts just gets the worse out of me.

I guess a few colleagues has seen it in me and heard it in my voice. The frustrations have not been handled properly by me and the sense of all excitement that I want to take 3 days off to go back Malaysia just has me giving it up to my family member instead. Living life behind a bullet proof window seems so desirable yet not so much after thinking about it.

Sometimes I wish I could forget the things I need to forget and not forget the things I shouldn’t forget. How I make my life complicated because I let it be. It’s the little things… things people say… things people do… just a touch or even a small gesture. You know they say you can see a person lying by looking straight in their eyes…

I don’t know what I see sometimes and I know I am thinking too much about it. I am just trying to make some sense from it.

Goodies

Today was Y and T’s birthday and its A bubs birthday tomorrow. Happy birthday girls. Thinking about A makes me remember all the days clubbing at uni and all the times sitting in her Black Supra. hahah Forever 23 right? It reminded me of the song when I heard Alex To’s song “Baby I’m So Sorry” during 1998… 10 years ago… hahahah Been a long long time.

Two Weddings and A Funeral

It’s been a week that had a lot of tears… happy and sad. Friday was a ex classmate’s wedding. Known him for 7 years since Perth days at Curtin International College all the way back to Singapore Informatics. I finally get to see his girlfriend/fiance and now wife that I had always heard about in the days. Congratulations Mr R.B and Mrs!! It was an amazing venue at Shangri-La Hotel and the chandeliers hanging from the ceiling and the elaborate golden setting. All the ladies dressed in gowns and having their confession of their love to each other and their commitments. It was a beautiful night.

And as I sat there thinking how happy everybody was tonight, I came home to a family mourning the death of a cousin. Funny I just saw him a month ago at work and we were chatting. He looked so happy, healthy and his work projects were picking up. He died on Friday morning and apparently it was because he had a heart attack. There were tears of sadness for him. His mourning still carried on Saturday night. There was a plan for a Sunday family wedding before the incident. The wedding was my dead cousin’s sister’s daughter’s wedding.

Not everything can be planned and sometimes reflecting upon it makes me sad. I wonder what my parents would have felt if I got hit by that tree branch that day. People asked me if it was a wake up call. Truthfully I don’t know…. my life still goes on being how it use to be. I don’t think I have changed much even though I know there are so many things I should handle better. Funny what will it take to make me change my ways for good? Love perhaps? Perhaps not. Self will? Will tell you when I find out.