Everything Happens for A Reason

They say everything in this world happens for a reason. Although one may not see it now, there is a lesson to be learned. I have been thinking of my past… To tell you the truth I don’t think it’s very healthy for one to think of the past. It was depressing for me. To think of all the regrets, all things that I should have acted upon and never did. Everything that people have said to me about me that I had never let go. The things I said thinking it was best at the time that now I wished I had never said. But the reason doesn’t seem to matter anymore is that right? Excuses and apologies are too late? Life keeps going. Time keeps moving forward…

Working in Singapore Equates Workholics?

In comparison to Australia, I cannot disagree that I use to get paid more when I was a waitress at a 24 hour cafe serving coffee, beer and food compared to my life working as an administrator in a construction company in Singapore. Whether you can equate working longer hours mean one becomes a workholic, but I find perhaps we, the employees put ourselves in this situation?

Is it all worth it at the end of the day slaving away for a company and family values are left far far away. Perhaps to avoid the nagging and the arguments but at the end of the day, how many of us appreciate time out for ourselves and our families? Do we do all this for a better future for us or our children for a better life which resorts in checking and answering emails at midnight, talking on the phone with clients and reviewing contracts.

I sometimes wonder why I torment myself to this kind of life of work. But change can only happen within yourself and not others. So if given a second chance of realisation, would you try to do something about it?

On The Couch

I am back sleeping on the couch again for the past 3 nights. Now I am having a bad back. Typical… but I guess the great thing about sleeping outside is that when it rains, I can hear the sound the rain makes when it hits the window. It’s like a wind chimes making tinkling music. Like its singing a lullaby to.

It feels like I am temporary resident in this house again. Sometimes would think I had a better life in Australia because I still get the guest room at T’s place. All those emails she sends from Europe brings a smile to my face to see that she is well. Often though… I think to myself that I have nothing to say about how I am doing in Singapore. Quite sad really… Funny how my life feels like it’s back to being stagnant while everybody has so many goals and visions.

Christmas and then New Years. Time of Christmas is admitting how you truly feel… Time of New Years 2009… What do I want for the coming year? Why am I still living in a life full of so many question marks? How does one know where to find what they want? How does one take the courage to just give everything a go? I don’t like being lost… but somehow I don’t think I can buy the map of my life from any ebay site. Or can I?

Identify

“You have to find an objective and a purpose and you work towards it.”

Easily said but in theory when applying this concept it seems as if there are many add ons. Then again it is always the simpler ideas that are cost effective and less time consuming. So how many things in a person’s life that needs some identification and categorisation? We categorise people by ethnicity, race, nationality, etc. Then it reminded me of people asking me what my label is which totally threw me off because I didn’t understand the question. Does it make me a better or worse off person if I am different to the ideals that you have believed I am to be? But I still do believe that sometimes… it’s better not to say the whole truth. Maybe not having other people have expectations of your behaviour will make them less disappointed.

Living the Moment

I was reading the blogs that I always read for the week and I came across one and she wrote about what happened at work and she quoted, “yet he’s so young and he’s at the same age as me that time except that …no excitement….no dreams….the only thing that awaits him is death…..and everyday he’s experiencing fear….the fear of death…..”

Is death so fearful? I had someone tell me once that death was a good thing and I reacted by saying something like, “Choy! Don’t say that…” And I wondered, do I think death is something we should fear? Unexpected deaths such as MC King and people dying way before they should and I think to myself what is God’s greatest plan in doing all this? Then I remembered listening to Jordin Sparks’s “This Is My Love”. Is it God’s way to teach us to love? Even when a person may no longer be with us, etched into our hearts is our love to them. We may deny it and don’t say it out loud but despite those actions, deep down inside we may say it silently. The hurt and the pain, the grieving process, the sadness… will never take the love away that was there at that point of time, at that moment.

Maybe that’s not the answer… but let me leave you with Jordin Sparks “This Is My Love” youtube clip posted by professorxavier1020.

Humans Are Evil – Believe It Or Not

Take note: please don’t be offended by what you read since I am simply just saying what I am thinking. Please do shed me some light of what you may think of the issue as well. 

I’ve had always believed that everybody has an evil side and some of us in society suppress those feelings and those actions and those that cannot help themselves express their deepest desires by acting upon it. Is that why we have religion to somehow fall back on to have something to believe in so that our deepest darkest inner thoughts can be suppressed by some higher power to save ourselves from our own sins. Or maybe I am just thinking too much into it… which is most likely the case.

What is it that drives us to insanity? I used to quote that “To be sane, you have to be insane sometimes” and today I thought of this quote and somehow it sounded like an oxymoron (when two opposite words are put together – ie bittersweet). All those theories of Ying and Yang… good and evil… the balance of life, what is needed to keep the sanity within our heads balanced? How does one determine whether the fluctuations of thoughts are correct or incorrect? Funny how the mind is so complex and yet can deceive itself into believing in many false things if not careful.

I read the two “gossip” news headlines today, ‘Accused blocked her ears during murder: police’, ‘The YouTube killer: eight die in schoolroom shooting massacre’. First case involves Amanda Knox aged 20, the second case involves a suspect named Pekka-Eric Auvinen aged 18. He’s even made it big and compared with Cho Seung Hui the Virginia Tech university killer of 32 students.

Does this show that nothing in this world is perfect? Not even God is perfect because look at humans! Really some of us in this world has their minds evolved to become one screwed up mind – pardon my French. What are they satisfying through killing? To feel alive again? To find their purpose? What is it that drives these people to lose their balance? Is there even a utopia where no evil exists? Is it even possible? At the end of the day … will you be trying to convince me or yourself? Food for thought.

Rituals

Rituals… that’s how some humans find their place in society right? Some of us associate themselves with what they do everyday (keyword being some). Humans are funny. I find it funny when people ask me what I do and lately it’s only school so I say, “Nothing”. Their reaction sometimes reflected back to me as the – Oh you are nothing look. Funny how we can pass judgement so quickly (don’t deny you never had done this – even if you did it when you were 2 years old counts!). Today I went for my ritual run… today I went through my ritual of procrastinating till 5pm. Life’s good…

Red Petals Leading The Way

I like running when it’s drizzling. No one else is on the path and the gloomy clouds looming above me and the gentle breeze as it blows cool air on my face. The canal in the middle of the water running and the mini raindrops bouncing on the water surface. I close my eyes and for a moment I felt like I was somewhere else. The red petals of a strange flower falling to the ground littering the pathway making it look like the red carpet stretched for over 500 metres. No one in sight, all the stone benches empty and the trees lined up on both sides of the pathway looking like soldiers saluting your return.

Usually you would see old people sitting on the sides and people walking their dogs or even have cyclists speeding along this pathway on a Sunday morning but today… it was just the rain, me and the pathway. The quietness engulfed me to feel a sense of… peace. A time for reflecting on life in general.

My mother thinks I am crazy jogging when it’s half drizzling but the feeling is addictive. When everything seemed to not matter except your breathing, the thoughts that seem to run across your mind that usually you won’t be able to hear. All the rushing of work, meeting deadlines, debates all seemed to melt during this time where I reserved it for these moments of solitude.

For just that moment, I thought of people that were not happy in the world. People that have issues in life and chose suicide as a way to escape. I thought of people that think they aren’t strong enough and hide in the corner not wanting to face anyone. I thought of people who shut themselves away from people that love them because inside they aren’t the person who or what is expected of them. I thought of all the people that thought they had something in the palms of their hand and when they opened it, it just seemed to disappear. I admit these are sick negative thinking and how do I find peace with those kind of situations. But how do you know what is happiness and appreciate it if you never struggled through life?

Choices, opportunities… I remember the feeling of getting off Raffles Place MRT and stand on the sidewalk as people rushed past me both sides. The adrenaline rush others gave me as I just stood there watching them. Sometimes I wonder if I will become like them one day… I would love being married to my work which then gives me the excuse to whine about my life. Drama… sometimes it’s good to have some of that in life.

Relative Weddings…

Relative wedding ceremonies tend to be a time where you get to meet the relatives and cousins that you never knew you had or you knew you had but you just never kept in contact with.

I had to admit… tonight was something like that. I dragged myself to my 3rd Uncle’s daughter’s wedding. Since my father’s family is quite large, a bus picked us up from my parent’s place and drove us to the hotel. It was the first time I have ever been to a wedding ceremony. I totally missed out my cousin’s I’s wedding 2 years ago when I wasn’t in town so today I got my first dosage of meeting the “family”. (The next time will be yours cousin C!)

So the usual questions popped up again. As expected…
“When will it be your turn?”
“Are you seeing someone?”

Funny I don’t see my priorities as being to meet someone and get married as soon as possible. Even if I did meet the person right now that I liked and spend my time with them… I have my own plans for me right now that I need to get done. How selfish of me right?

Had a few relatives tease me saying how “handsome” I was and how I shouldn’t enter the ladies since I would have entered the wrong toilets. *Frowns distastefully*. Sensing my Dad’s eldest sister suspects me, she keeps asking about my friend T’s whereabouts.

It is exhausting sometimes just hiding but in so many ways… I feel relieved that they don’t know much about me. Sometimes things are better left the way it is. Shouldn’t question it and just accept the things the way they are right now right? Am I convincing myself or the world?

Good Advice

Thank you E for sending this to me. Touches my heart.